My time in high school, that is.
The headline might strike one as melodramatic, I know, but I bet it caught your attention. Furthermore, in its own way, it’s in place to be just a bit melodramatic when writing this blog post. Why? It’s okay to be melodramatic because: 1. I Have completely neglected this blog for the fifth time this year and 2. I have graduated. There. Now I’ve also presented you with the topic of this post. Graduation.
Yesterday I read a draft I wrote about three weeks ago. It is named “10 days left” and since it is now more likely to be ten days since, it’ll probably never see the light of being published. It simply isn’t relevant anymore. Kind of like my 13 years in the school system. All stored in about 200 gb, which I deleted in under 4 hours along with the rest of the crap, that had taken up storage on my laptop. Notes, programmes, school information. Everything deleted so that, when I went home from work one of my first real vacation days, I had started from scratch. When I write, “first real vacation days” it’s because we in Denmark have this tradition called “Student’s week”.
This is the week after all Danish graduates’ last exam where you basically party the rest of the time. When all of it was over I was left with this weird sensation of nothingness. “What now?” I asked myself. I walked around with this hat that seemed to get sillier and sillier the longer I wore it. I couldn’t believe I wanted to take it off so soon. I’d been waiting for this moment in my life for maybe 5 years and all I did, all I really could do, was to clean my computer so that it was ready for the next few years. In a way it was an unavoidable redemption. I deleted the despair and the stress of the endless hours I’d spent on schoolwork and replaced it with hope for the future and storage in which I could store my creative work. Imagine this: For the first time I am free to spent the storage on my computer as I wish. In a broader perspective I am free to spend my waking hours the next year or two as I wish as well. That’s scary and it reminds me of my draft.
The draft ends with the unfinished sentence:” You know, I’ve been imagining”. I wonder what I imagined before something abruptly ended my writing. The near future, perhaps. Maybe the distant future. Or maybe I was imagining something entirely different. Whatever I wanted to write I find this to be a good metaphor of my current situation. What do I imagine happen next? What do I want to happen? It is time to start imagining what will happen next because “next” is almost here now. I start “Ten Days Left” with citing a quote from Buddy Wakefield. It says:
“The idea is to participate in your existence.”
Think about that quote for a few seconds. Grasp it; turn it over in your mind. How does one participate in one’s existence? And why do I feel like I haven’t or like I am in danger of not doing so? I find myself quite ungrateful when I might have been imagining all the years I’ve “wasted” on school. My good friend, Julie, always used to say:” Imagine all the years we’ve spent on things we actually don’t want to do”. She’d say this as soon as the gymnasium appeared from behind the trees of the park we biked through everyday. In a way she was right, but I sit here now feeling as if I could have participated more in making these years worthwhile. I could have been more eager to learn or more eager to socialize myself. I wanted to do these things, but I never did so. Maybe it was because I was lazy or because I was afraid. Whatever it was time went by and now it’s too late. Anyway. My point is that life sure is a waste of time when you tell yourself that you’re wasting it. It seems to me as if I’ve spent a little too much time waiting on the future. Imagining it and how it’ll be ten times greater than my current moment. I think I could have appreciated my last three years more. Overall, I think I should appreciate everything a little bit more. It might have been a redemption when I wiped out my laptop, but I still worry and I’m still afraid that I wont do all the things I’ve been imagining for so long. Maybe it wasn’t redemption at all. Maybe it was the end of an era that flew by too fast and left me in this “nothingness”.
I’m left with the sense that it is now time for me to really participate in my existence. Now as in right now and not in three weeks when I’m going on interrail or in a half year where I’ll be going somewhere else or in two years where I might continue my education. Might. I live in the hope that I can make my existence, with a bit of positivity, exactly what I want it to be in the right now and not in the distant or near future. As I wrote earlier this month:
“ Time is such an unfathomable force of nature. At moments it’s stressing and troublesome, but at other moments it’s soothing and reassuring. I don’t know if it’s good or bad that I’m ready to take off my hat. The future is in front of me. My future. The most important choices, the choices that shape the rest of my adult life, are slowly crawling up from the suppressing wonder of my unbothered, free childhood (…) It’s liberating and it’s scary. It’s the moment I’ve waited for my whole life and the agonizing fear of the time passing and me wasting this moment is breathing down my neck.”
I am right and I, we all, should make sure that our existence adds up with the time spent. Because time passes so quickly and before you know it, you’ll be 80. Melodramatically said, the future lies by this year group’s feet and I hope we all get to do what we want and what we’ve been imagining without wasting the now.
That’s my new melodramatic philosophy.