The things I could never say

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Hi guys! 
Hope everything’s going great. It is here. Today has been a very inactive day. Started the day with a tiny workout, otherwise I haven’t done anything productive. I’ve been making homework, and then basically spend the rest of the time on Tumblr, Instagram and other time stealing sites. Then I’ve been writing on a new idea of mine; Another story, and I thought, that since I’ve said that I’d share some of my things with you, might as well share this. It’s a bit unclear what it’s going to be about, I just felt inspired, so, here you go. 

I always end crawling back to you, and it’s so damn wrong, but I just can’t help it.
And I’ve tried, not to kiss you. And I’ve tried not to want you, but I always do. In the end; I always do. Always, always, always.

I grabbed the beer, closed my eyes, and slowly whispered:” Always, always, always. You and me always.” I could see your not-moving body, lying on the floor a couple meters away from me. It seemed dead to me. Unreal right now, but tomorrow I knew you’d be as real as everything else was, and I’d be crawling after you as I always ended up doing. Always, always, always. My sight was blurred by the flashing lights, the smoke, the drugs, the alcohol. Loud music pumped thought my ears, and made my vains electrical. I could feel someones shoulder against mine, but I couldn’t manage to see who it was. I didn’t really care, anyway. I never cared. At least not any more. I used to care. Always. Too much, and see where that led me. I leaned against the wall, which was banging, because of the never-ending bass. Screams, laughter, touches. Everywhere and always. Every single night, since I met you.
I stumbled over the greasy floor, towards you. I sat back down next to your strong body, and touched your messy, stiff hair. I touched your face, followed your eyebrows, you lips and all your little flaws with my fingers. Suddenly I remembered. We had a fight. I layed my head, feeling messed up by it all, down on your slowly  moving chest. For a pair of seconds, all I could here was your breath. Your rough, coughing breath, like you had a nightmare. After all, everything we had was nightmares. I hadn’t had a dream in very, very long time.

I then, slowly to stretch out the time, searched my pocket and found what I was looking for. I couldn’t remember what it was. I couldn’t remember what had happened, so you needed to have it. I just remembered it was important, and I just remembered what I was going to do, after you had it. I took the paper, kissed it and then pushed it deep down into your jackets pockets. You always walked with your hands in your jacket-pockets. Never in your jeans. You said that it looked stupid. Then I leaned over you and kissed your soft, round lips one last time. It tasted like smoke, vodka and spearmint. Just like you always did. That was an always, that I wished would end. As I got back up on my stumbeling feet, I grabbed the Jack Daniels and threw it at the wall, as hard as I could. It exploded in a thousand pieces, and the strong, intoxicating lequor, floated down the wall, and down at the confused youngers.

”El! Ella!” I was pretty sure I knew that voice, I thought as I walked towards the exit. ”Ella, what are you doing?” A hand grabbed my arm, and made me turn around. Bernie. Now I remembered. I tried focusing on his face, but no matter what I did, there always seemed to be two Bernies. Like one wasn’t enough, right now.

”Where are you going?” He asked seeming worried and weirdly sober. ”Fuck off, Bernie” I growled, and pushed him away. ”But Ella…” ”Just leave me alone.” I whispered, as I turned around:” And get the fuck out of here.”

He always tried to stop me. Always cared. ”Always, always, always.” I grinned, as the freezing, clean air hit me. Unfortunatly, I didn’t care. Or, right now I couldn’t remember any of these things, if they existed. The road was empty. No cars in sight, no motorcycles, no bikes, right now. Just a group of drunk, horny guys yelling after everyone. I breathed in the cleaning air, and felt how my head slowly cleared up. I walked for a while, until everything was far enough behind me, to be silent. The voices, the thousand whisperes and the never ending noice, toned out. The lines slowly turned back, getting everything back together. A sentence; I love you. I didn’t know what I came for. I didn’t know what that ment. I don’t know the person I’ve become. I didn’t now what had happened. Nothing was as I thought it would be, and I couldn’t wait for it all to start again. Maybe our love would be purer. Maybe our love would me simple. Maybe it’d be healthy, and good, and more wonderful than we’d ever imagened. Because this got out of our hands, and out of our reach, and even though, I think, I might love you too, it isn’t suppose to be his way, but I’ll forever need you. I will always be yours. Always, always, always.

I knew what I wanted to do.

I took of my heels, and threw them as far as I could. I let down my hair, I took of my jacket, and walked against the light that slowly appeared in front of me. Coming closer and closer and closer. The two lights blinded me, and the loud beeping made me feel deaf. Everything stopped and I closed my tired eyes. ”This is it.” I thought:” It’ll all end now.” I was ready. I heard the wheels, and the car trying to stop, but I knew it couldn’t. ”Free.” I though:”Loved.” I opened my arms, ready, and saw his face for the last time. Beautiful, poiseness, misunderstood, messed up, but filled with love. A love, I now understand.
”You.” I gasped, right when the car hit me:” Always, always, always.” And then everything got dark, and my life flashed infront of my eyes. 


Well, that’s about it. Please give me some critics and stuff, that’d be great! 


xx Anna


The Author

I just want to live life and write about it

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