So I feel like i’m in this evil circle right now. – Like I don’t really know what I’m doing, and I’m just fucking running around and not thinking, which have made me realize (just today) that maybe the thinking isn’t always bad. I just feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. Like I know I have to tighten up, get a grip, but it’s just so hard.
The evil circle mostly contains a too big amount of alcohol, too many late nights, too little exercise, too little attention to school and i don’t fucking know what to do. I want to change so bad. I want to go back to when life wasn’t this stressing and I knew what I had and what I did and how it went. I’m not sure of anything right know. This post wasn’t even meant to turn out this way. It was meant to be a post about how I’ll go for a run every morning, about how I’ll quit drinking, how I’ll go back to eating healthy and do my homework. I’ve just realized what a fucking dead end track i’m on, but still i know, that no matter how many times I tell myself I’ll do those things, I’ll end up drinking way too much to the next party, I’ll feel bad next day and I’ll be back at this point. It’s just hard; Alcohol makes me different. Like this voice inside my head that always tells me that wow that was stupid, nah he doesn’t like you, you don’t like him, they actually don’t like you.. It get’s suppressed. Everything goes away for a night and yea, it’s hilarious in the moment, but if that’s the only point where I can feel like totally, utterly relaxment and happiness, then something’s wrong. What’s wrong? I. DON’T KNOW. I wan’t to get my life so bad, and I know that this blog has made me sound like a person who has like so many problems.. I don’t, I know I don’t, I have everything I could ever need, but still you’re unsatisfied, right? That’s the deal with humans, we are never satisfied. I feel like I can’t express my self, I feel like I don’t know how to express myself. I don’t even know where all of this is coming from, everything’s just tumbling down right now, and you know what? It feels good. Writing is my way of communicating. And I can’t even do that properly. Like, I can’t even finish a book. I want to finish a book. There’s so many things that I want to do, that I want to make right. About myself, about my life.
I want to focus on myself so bad, and I want to focus on my education, and my writing and my friends. Alcohol makes you do stupid things. It makes you do things, that you’re not even sure you’re ready for. I’m not sure I was ready for what I did last night. (NO, not sex though, I do know how to say no) but still. I’m not sure I’m ready for it, for anything like that. I want to be ready; I wan’t to fall head-over-heels in love, but i’m not even sure that’s possible anymore. Do you? Because there is this guy, and I like him, I really do. But is it like-liking him? It’s just, I don’t know how to react around him, but well, I don’t know how to react around a lot of people. And it’s weird, because those people I actually do know how to react around, or i at least feel like I know right now, I’m only talking to very few times. It’s all such a mess.
Gosh, I have so much I want to say right know. Everything that’s just eating me up inside, I think that’s what I’m going to write in here from now on. Kinda like a diary. I don’t expect anyone to read it. It’s just so relieving for me. Writing; getting everything simplified.
I think I’ll try to change. I’ll work on it. I start taking care of myself (and my nasty greasy hair, I don’t know what’s happening,) my body; I’ll go for a run, I’ll work out, do my homework, get myself together again, and I’ll have this blog with me all way through. So this is kind of your opportunity to follow a 100% ordinary person around. I’d love you to. I’d love you to help me and I’d love to help you guys. Because I’m convinced a lot of people my age are going through the same.
I hope I can do it. I hope I can break loose of this circle and I hope everything will be in total balance one day. It’s just.. I don’t know how to grow fond of yourself. How do you do that? I find it quite hard to believe that I’ll ever be 100 % satisfied with myself, and the thought kills me.
ps I swear to god that all my posts won’t be this depressing.